Events

Many years ago, there was a man in Bathsheba who asked his servant to go to market. His servant had served faithfully for many years; though his hair was white, he stood as tall as a young date tree in the autumn whose leaves are beginning to fall while the fruit of abundance draws to an end about it. The servant went to market, and among the throng he saw Death, dressed in black and as pale as the moon that grows thin. Death made a gesture, and the servant grew frightened; for, although there were many...

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew—gems in the rough all of them—more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay...

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana, and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says,"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The...

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire. The propeller is just a big fan in front of...

Visitor Meade Skelton Haufe, annoyed that myths about Southern Americans continue to propagate through the Internet, got even with us. He wrote: As a True Southerner I am extremely offended by your trite and slanderous humor against the Southern people. What kind of ignorant dribble is this? The imperialistic Yankee-ized massed media shoves this down our throats time and time again. We are told to get rid of our Southern "accents" no matter how proper our English is and no matter how well eduacted we...

Generally Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. Dining Out When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine. If drinking directly from...

Our network of spies intercepted this communiqué Friday morning: From: Anonymous To: Michael Braverman Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2000 4:33 PM Subject: Hayden I'm sure you've heard already, but in case you haven't - Hayden got Star Wars!!!!! Yup, two picture deal as Anakin Skywalker!!!! Merchandising deal,etc. Wahooooo!! And the way George Lucas first became aware of Hayden was by way of the pilot episode of HG, which his agent/manager sent to Lucas to screen....which, of course, you wrote!!!! So there's...

Courtesy of some die hard Star Wars fans, it has been learned that there's going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of The Empire Strikes Back that is due out in April 2000. The heretofore unknown and unseen footage expands on the scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with the release of Episode 1... The Empire Strikes Back: Directors Cut INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE...

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't miss the Amazing Goldstein!" Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts—animals, clowns, contortionists, and other questionable acts. Finally the trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, in the middle of the ring, is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet tall and barely able to walk to the table. He unzips his pants and whips...

An 80-year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to he doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night...