Events

Next time you have an "I hate my job" kind of day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your local pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change into comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer....

You're 5'4", can bench-press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and you still cry when your mother yells at you. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit 2 mortadella "sangwitches," 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular paper lunch bag. Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 black Mercury. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives. You consider dunking a pack of Stella D'Oro "S" cookies in milk...

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" "Why, yes," replied the lady. "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing." Submitted by reader S.P.

This one first came to us in 1995. It's a classic. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. Sell Girl Scout cookies. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. Shave. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and...

Here are the new rules regarding displays of patriotism in the U.S.: To buy an American flag, you must present proof you have voted at least once in the last three elections (yes, local and state elections count). To display an American flag in any form, you must present proof of voter registration. To wave an American flag in public, you must be able to name at least one of the following: Your Senator Your Representative Your President ("George Bush" does not count; ambiguous) To sell any product with...

The Jewish community in Madrid needed horseradish for making chrain (horseradish) for Pesach, but all the European Union countries gave them the same reply, "Sorry, we have none to send." In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv and begged him to send a crate of horseradish by air freight to Madrid. Two days before Pesach, a crate of grade Aleph tear-jerking Israeli (chrain) horseradish was loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the next El Al flight to Madrid, and all seemed...

A very good and pious Jewish man, Samuel Goldberg, dies and immediately goes to heaven. The angel at the gate greets him and tells him that he can't admit him to heaven. When Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well, this is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at your record, for all intents and purposes, you have no sins. All I can see looking at page after page is mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional person your whole life, you married a decent woman, your children turned...

A Cubs fan is more likely to drive a BMW. A Sox fan is more likely to break into that BMW and have it in a "chop shop" in less than 15 minutes. A Sox fan will pick a fight with a Cubs fan and usually win. A Cubs fan will pick a fight with a Sox fan once he sees he has five of his closest frat buddies with him and the odds are in his favor. He still may lose. A Cubs fan will watch HBO's "Oz" and talk about its "gritty theme" the next day at the water cooler. A Sox fan has probably served time in "Oz" and...

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man....

Algorithm\al-go-rhythm\ Tempo with which the ex-Vice President does the Macarena Arbitrator\ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ A cook who quits Arby's to work at McDonald's Avoidable\uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ What a bullfighter tries to do Baloney\buh-lo'-nee' \ Where some hemlines fall Bernadette\burn'-a-det' \ The act of torching a mortgage Burglarize\bur'-gler-ize' \ What a crook sees with Colin PowellNickname of Doctor Powell, the prominent proctologist Control\kon'-trol\ A short, ugly inmate...