Events

The Jewish community in Madrid needed horseradish for making chrain (horseradish) for Pesach, but all the European Union countries gave them the same reply, "Sorry, we have none to send." In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv and begged him to send a crate of horseradish by air freight to Madrid. Two days before Pesach, a crate of grade Aleph tear-jerking Israeli (chrain) horseradish was loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the next El Al flight to Madrid, and all seemed...

A very good and pious Jewish man, Samuel Goldberg, dies and immediately goes to heaven. The angel at the gate greets him and tells him that he can't admit him to heaven. When Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well, this is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at your record, for all intents and purposes, you have no sins. All I can see looking at page after page is mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional person your whole life, you married a decent woman, your children turned...

A Cubs fan is more likely to drive a BMW. A Sox fan is more likely to break into that BMW and have it in a "chop shop" in less than 15 minutes. A Sox fan will pick a fight with a Cubs fan and usually win. A Cubs fan will pick a fight with a Sox fan once he sees he has five of his closest frat buddies with him and the odds are in his favor. He still may lose. A Cubs fan will watch HBO's "Oz" and talk about its "gritty theme" the next day at the water cooler. A Sox fan has probably served time in "Oz" and...

Many years ago, there was a man in Bathsheba who asked his servant to go to market. His servant had served faithfully for many years; though his hair was white, he stood as tall as a young date tree in the autumn whose leaves are beginning to fall while the fruit of abundance draws to an end about it. The servant went to market, and among the throng he saw Death, dressed in black and as pale as the moon that grows thin. Death made a gesture, and the servant grew frightened; for, although there were many...

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew—gems in the rough all of them—more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay...

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana, and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says,"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The...

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire. The propeller is just a big fan in front of...

Generally Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. Dining Out When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine. If drinking directly from...

Visitor Meade Skelton Haufe, annoyed that myths about Southern Americans continue to propagate through the Internet, got even with us. He wrote: As a True Southerner I am extremely offended by your trite and slanderous humor against the Southern people. What kind of ignorant dribble is this? The imperialistic Yankee-ized massed media shoves this down our throats time and time again. We are told to get rid of our Southern "accents" no matter how proper our English is and no matter how well eduacted we...

Our network of spies intercepted this communiqué Friday morning: From: Anonymous To: Michael Braverman Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2000 4:33 PM Subject: Hayden I'm sure you've heard already, but in case you haven't - Hayden got Star Wars!!!!! Yup, two picture deal as Anakin Skywalker!!!! Merchandising deal,etc. Wahooooo!! And the way George Lucas first became aware of Hayden was by way of the pilot episode of HG, which his agent/manager sent to Lucas to screen....which, of course, you wrote!!!! So there's...