Events

On 9/11/02, I defied the terrorists. Just little old me. I went to work [in public service]. Rode the subway. During the moment of silence at 8:46AM— The two ladies next to me crossed themselves. Boston police at every turn, I went into a court of law. Smiled sadly at everyone I could. And sang, "happy birthday" to my aunt. Today I heard planes taking off. Opened my mail. Chose what I wanted to watch on TV. Listened to music on the radio. I tried my best— To honor the memories of those who were taken...

Sister Mary Margaret was 60, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. Then one afternoon early in the spring this priest came to chat with her, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom. Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity!...

Never trade luck for skill. The three most common expressions in aviation are, "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Shit!" Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers. Progress in airline flying: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant. Airspeed, altitude or brains: two are always needed to successfully complete the flight. A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication (to deviate from the truth). I remember when sex was safe and flying was...

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for each answer. (Scroll slowly, as each answer follows immediately.) The questions are NOT difficult. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?...

First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-ca-go, or Cha-ca-ga, depending on if you live North or South of Roosevelt Rd. Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If you are in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray." There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago. We all drive like...

Next time you have an "I hate my job" kind of day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your local pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change into comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer....

You're 5'4", can bench-press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and you still cry when your mother yells at you. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit 2 mortadella "sangwitches," 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular paper lunch bag. Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 black Mercury. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives. You consider dunking a pack of Stella D'Oro "S" cookies in milk...

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" "Why, yes," replied the lady. "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing." Submitted by reader S.P.

This one first came to us in 1995. It's a classic. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. Sell Girl Scout cookies. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. Shave. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and...

Here are the new rules regarding displays of patriotism in the U.S.: To buy an American flag, you must present proof you have voted at least once in the last three elections (yes, local and state elections count). To display an American flag in any form, you must present proof of voter registration. To wave an American flag in public, you must be able to name at least one of the following: Your Senator Your Representative Your President ("George Bush" does not count; ambiguous) To sell any product with...