Events

Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks." The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I...

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually join in. One day, Ethel was speeding up the corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice, "have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her...

Three Labrador retrievers—a brown, yellow and black—are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything—the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All...

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a...

Here's a list of children's books you will probably never see in print: "You Were an Accident" "Strangers Have the Best Candy" "The Little Sissy Who Snitched" "Some Kittens Can Fly!" "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face" "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" "All Dogs Go to Hell" "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" "You Are Different and That's Bad"...

So the Pope arrives at JFK and he's met at baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says "POPE". After getting all his luggage loaded in the limo—and His Holiness doesn't travel light—the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Hey, Mr. Pope..." says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not seated yourself in my excellent limo?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd...

Three nuns are sitting at lunch one day. The first one says, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" "I poked holes in all of them," she replied. The third nun said, "Oh...

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that you have a yearly income of more than $600,000, yet you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and then replied, "First of all, did your research also show that my mother is dying...

Q: How many copy editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: I can't tell whether you mean 'change a lightbulb' or 'have sex in a lightbulb.' Can we reword it to remove ambiguity? Q: How many managing editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: You were supposed to have changed that lightbulb last week! Q: How many writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: But why do we have to change it? Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?...

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy...