Events

I've smoked fatter joints than that. Ahh, it's cute. Who circumcised you? Why don't we just cuddle? You know they have surgery to fix that. It's more fun to look at. Make it dance. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. Can I paint a smiley face on that? It looks like a night crawler. Wow, and your feet are so big. My last boyfriend was four inches bigger. It's OK, we'll work around it. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? Oh...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 m.p.h. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies—two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What...

An old woman went to visit her daughter and found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love." When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?" She responds, "This is the dress of love." "Well," he says to her, "go iron it." Submitted by reader S.P.

Two rednecks went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex." "Okay," agreed one of the rednecks, "I guess seven." "Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant. The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "Two!" said the second redneck....

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The English man stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice....

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A man walks up and gives the octopus a guitar. The octopus starts playing better than Yngwie Malmsteen, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up...

There was once a medical student specializing in pathology who truly wanted to excel in his studies. Without fail, he would daily visit the school's path lab following his classes to do extra work. One evening he uncovered a cadaver only to notice a cork plugging its rectum. Curious, he removed the cork only to hear, "On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again..." Startled, he replaced the cork. Curiosity soon got the best of him and he,once again, removed the cork. Again, he heard...

Here are some Country & Western hits not likely to make the top 10: "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Till She Chose Somebody Else)"   "Stand by Your Mensch"   "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?"   "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"   "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"   "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"   "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"   "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"   "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"...

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house. "Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work. A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then...

A man pulls off the road when he sees his producer friend with a wrecked car off on the side. The car is a total loss, covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Oh," the friend responds, "I hit an agent." "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood. But what about all the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, to catch him, I had to chase him all through the park." Submitted by reader M.B.