Events

On the first day of school after vacation, Miss Clarke addressed her second grade class with special instructions: "Now children, please tell the class about your vacation, and try to use adult words, as we must practice our vocabulary." Little Bobby Thompson raised his hand. "Yes, Bobby?" "On my vacation, I saw a-choo choo," Bobby said. "A train, Bobby, you saw a train. Please try to use the proper, adult word." "Ok, I saw a train." "Good. OK, now Sharon, what did you do on your vacation?" "I got to...

Do you remember this classic from the rough-and-tumble early days of the Internet? Why Email Is Like a Penis Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss made over it by those who do have it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. It...

With the holiday season approaching, please look into your heart to help those in need. Hundreds of National Basketball Association basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level. And, as if that weren't bad enough, they'll be deprived of pay for several weeks—possibly a whole year—as a result of the current lock-out situation. But now, you can help! For only $20,835 a month—about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection...

Thanks to L.M. for this one. Men are like...Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like...Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like...Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Men are like...Government bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like...Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small. Men are like...Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like...Lava...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is...

A visitor to a small Southern town was admiring the town's Nativity Scene. However, one small feature bothered him: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Unable to come up with an explanation, he left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You Yankees never did read your Bibles!" The visitor assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible...

Joe received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Joe tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a...

Never take a front-row seat at a bris. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy? According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants. No meal is complete without leftovers. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make...

The Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the '90s: Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off. You have actually faxed or e-mailed your Christmas list to your...

25 December 1998 Dearest Bob, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Violet 26 December 1998 Dearest Bob, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine—two Turtle Doves!! I’m delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable. My everlasting love, Violet 27 December 1998 My dear Bob, Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I...