Events

Never take a front-row seat at a bris. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy? According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants. No meal is complete without leftovers. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make...

The Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the '90s: Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off. You have actually faxed or e-mailed your Christmas list to your...

25 December 1998 Dearest Bob, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Violet 26 December 1998 Dearest Bob, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine—two Turtle Doves!! I’m delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable. My everlasting love, Violet 27 December 1998 My dear Bob, Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I...

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. Born free...taxed to death. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. There’s too much blood in my alcohol system. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive. I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. Earth first...we’ll mine the other planets later. How can I...

Three fine young cannibals were up for induction into manhood. All they needed to do was pass a simple two part test. If they passed the test they would become men. If not, they would be eaten. The chief cannibal called the three young men together and told them that the first part of their test was for each of them to go into the woods and find 10 identical pieces of fruit. The chief dispatched the young men and it wasn’t long before the first young cannibal returned with 10 bananas. The chief...

Possible titles for Monica Lewinsky's forthcoming book: I Suck At My Job What Really Goes Down In The White House How I Blew It In Washington You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President Clear and Present Boner Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule Going Back for Gore Podium Girl Secret Services to the President Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton Deep Inside The Oval Office The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions She's Chief of MY Staff! Al Gore Is In...

Arafat Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday." "Which one?" Arafat asks nervously. "It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday." Mother A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?" She said, "Not too good. I've been very...

The Cleveland Orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage—about 20 minutes—during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I...

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, Señor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Señor, cojones," the waiter explains, "they are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon." At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement...

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no...