Events

It seems there was an Irishman wanting to buy himself a horse. So he went to the open market, which is a place in Ireland where people sell things, among which are...horses. Well, he saw one that he liked and asked the price. Paddy, who was selling the horse said to him, "Well, now, I'll be sellin' you this horse but I feel there's something I need to tell you first." Well, the man wanted to know what that was. Paddy said, "Well, it seems he has a strange habit of wantin' to sit on bananas." Now, the...

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't,"...

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry. Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room. He returned a few moments later with...

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill...

Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for one. A year passed, and only 3 people showed up: A Japanese Samurai. A Chinese Samurai. A Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh went his sword, and the bumblebee...

My job involves driving a van around neighborhoods looking for customers. You see, most people are too embarrassed to call for help, even when the problem gets so bad that they have trouble living in their house. So I cruise around areas, looking for certain signs that might indicate a problem, sometimes calling into the dispatcher in case someone has the courage to admit they need help. It's a decent job, somewhat humbling for me with all my degrees and experience. Still, it pays well and the work...

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, became doctors and prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Chanukah dinner, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know...

Out in farm country, old Nigel had a different sort of fetish. Every so often he would sneak into a neighbor's farm and go joyriding on a tractor. After a few of these nocturnal jaunts, which usually resulted in a destroyed farm implement, his neighbors figured out what was happening. A mob of angry farmers chased him halfway around the county, and finally catching him, they beat him badly enough to put him in a wheelchair. All Nigel could do was look wistfully at the tractors tilling the fields from...

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so". Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5...

Gina comes from Hard Canny, Merlin. If you've grown up or lived in Maryland for any part of your life, you'll find this hits rather close to home. Maryland is divided into semi-tribal areas called Cannies (i.e., "counties"; e.g., Ballmer Canny, PeeJee Canny, Hard Canny, etc.). The dialect area is centered on a market center called Glimburny (Glen Burnie), where the people come on weekends to trade their goods. Speakers of Merlin dialect are all able to understand standard English from babyhood, chiefly...