Events

Out in farm country, old Nigel had a different sort of fetish. Every so often he would sneak into a neighbor's farm and go joyriding on a tractor. After a few of these nocturnal jaunts, which usually resulted in a destroyed farm implement, his neighbors figured out what was happening. A mob of angry farmers chased him halfway around the county, and finally catching him, they beat him badly enough to put him in a wheelchair. All Nigel could do was look wistfully at the tractors tilling the fields from...

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so". Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5...

Gina comes from Hard Canny, Merlin. If you've grown up or lived in Maryland for any part of your life, you'll find this hits rather close to home. Maryland is divided into semi-tribal areas called Cannies (i.e., "counties"; e.g., Ballmer Canny, PeeJee Canny, Hard Canny, etc.). The dialect area is centered on a market center called Glimburny (Glen Burnie), where the people come on weekends to trade their goods. Speakers of Merlin dialect are all able to understand standard English from babyhood, chiefly...

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before we kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns...

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a quit-smoking patch on it. He turns to the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis." The other priest replies, "It's working just fine for me. I'm down to two butts a day." Submitted by reader B.P.

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush says, "Well, your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do." The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show Star Trek and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand...

"Squawk" is the aviation term for a maintenance request. These are squawks allegedly logged by QUANTAS pilots. The solutions logged by the company's maintenance engieers follow. Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Almost replaced left inside main tire. Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. Autoland not installed on this aircraft. No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No's 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage. Something loose in cockpit. Something...

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and...

Some important theological questions are answered if we think of God as a computer programmer. Does God control everything that happens in my life? He could, if He used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables. Why does God allow evil to happen? God thought He eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs. Does God know everything? He likes to think so, but He is often amazed to find out what goes on in the overnight job. What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs? If a...

First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-ca-go, or Cha-ca-ga, depending on if you live North or South of Roosevelt Rd. Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If you are in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray." There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago. We all drive like...