Events

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush says, "Well, your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do." The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show Star Trek and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand...

On 9/11/02, I defied the terrorists. Just little old me. I went to work [in public service]. Rode the subway. During the moment of silence at 8:46AM— The two ladies next to me crossed themselves. Boston police at every turn, I went into a court of law. Smiled sadly at everyone I could. And sang, "happy birthday" to my aunt. Today I heard planes taking off. Opened my mail. Chose what I wanted to watch on TV. Listened to music on the radio. I tried my best— To honor the memories of those who were taken...

Sister Mary Margaret was 60, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. Then one afternoon early in the spring this priest came to chat with her, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom. Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity!...

Never trade luck for skill. The three most common expressions in aviation are, "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Shit!" Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers. Progress in airline flying: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant. Airspeed, altitude or brains: two are always needed to successfully complete the flight. A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication (to deviate from the truth). I remember when sex was safe and flying was...

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for each answer. (Scroll slowly, as each answer follows immediately.) The questions are NOT difficult. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?...

First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-ca-go, or Cha-ca-ga, depending on if you live North or South of Roosevelt Rd. Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If you are in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray." There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago. We all drive like...

Some important theological questions are answered if we think of God as a computer programmer. Does God control everything that happens in my life? He could, if He used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables. Why does God allow evil to happen? God thought He eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs. Does God know everything? He likes to think so, but He is often amazed to find out what goes on in the overnight job. What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs? If a...

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and...

"Squawk" is the aviation term for a maintenance request. These are squawks allegedly logged by QUANTAS pilots. The solutions logged by the company's maintenance engieers follow. Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Almost replaced left inside main tire. Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. Autoland not installed on this aircraft. No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No's 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage. Something loose in cockpit. Something...

Next time you have an "I hate my job" kind of day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your local pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change into comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer....