Events

I woke early one morning, The earth lay cool and still When suddenly a tiny bird Perched on my window sill, He sang a song so lovely So carefree and so gay, That slowly all my troubles Began to slip away. He sang of far off places Of laughter and of fun, It seemed his very trilling, brought up the morning sun. I stirred beneath the covers Crept slowly out of bed, Then gently shut the window And crushed his fucking head. Submitted by reader M.B.

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys: 1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube of toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving of cereal 1 single serving frozen dinner 1 can of Soup For One 1 16oz can of Miller Lite The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?" The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?" He replies, "Because you're ugly." Submitted by reader A.B.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment. I...

This bloke's in bed with his missus when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside. "Eh mate" says the stranger, "Can you give us a push?" "No, piss off, it's half three. I was in bed," says the...

A [insert cultural/ethnic/hair-color group here] named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray: "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. The next week Babbette again prays: "God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my...

One morning this [insert ethnic group here] calls his friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it." His friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?" He says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." His friend figures that she's pretty good at puzzles, so she heads over to his place. He lets her in the door and shows her to where he has the puzzle spread all over the table. She studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box....

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what...

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot! I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding." The...

I met her at a bar on a rainy summer night She was sitting in a crowd that she wouldn’t call her friends When I took the seat before her with a smile and my first name She smiled back, took a sip of wine, and said, "I like this game." I realized that in her eyes a storm was coming fast How was I to know I would sit helpless in its path? Just her name rolled off her lips as seconds slipped by Diana stole my night with seduction in her eye. Savage mistress of the moon Can I know who’s hunting whom? Keeper...

When I close my eyes And dream of times we shared I hear the angels weep Heaven knows you never cared Every sun that rises Brings another lonely day We used to soar on angels' wings Now I plod on feet of clay Stare into the flame Burning like my shame I can only blame You who played the game Stare into the flame Wish I'd known when times got tough You'd throw it all away So much for 'ever after' I can't even face today Whispered promises of love Down many years will echo A future life I do not want A...