Events

I passed my solo cross-country check ride on 18 July 1999. In theory, I could have flown my two required solo cross-country flights the next weekend, and finished up the other required flights and my FAA check ride the following two weekends. I finished the private pilot certificate requirements on 17 October 1999 but I couldn't take my check ride for weeks because of the friggin' weather. (In fact, my first attempt got scrubbed for weather.) My flight school had certain minimum standards for weather....

Aleatoric Music Music composed by the random selection of pitches and rhythms. Frequently found in the choir anthem. Antiphonal Leaving your answering machine on all the time. Augmentation Special surgery for altos involving the implantation of falsettos. Basso Continuo When the director can’t get them to stop. Cantus Firmus A singer in good physical condition. As opposed to the "Cantus phlabbious" (See Sackbutt) Castrato The highest male voice (some alteration required). Chorale Partitas Small choir...

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability." Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so...

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A man walks up and gives the octopus a guitar. The octopus starts playing better than Yngwie Malmsteen, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up...

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The English man stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice....

Two rednecks went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex." "Okay," agreed one of the rednecks, "I guess seven." "Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant. The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "Two!" said the second redneck....

An old woman went to visit her daughter and found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love." When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?" She responds, "This is the dress of love." "Well," he says to her, "go iron it." Submitted by reader S.P.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 m.p.h. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies—two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What...

I've smoked fatter joints than that. Ahh, it's cute. Who circumcised you? Why don't we just cuddle? You know they have surgery to fix that. It's more fun to look at. Make it dance. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. Can I paint a smiley face on that? It looks like a night crawler. Wow, and your feet are so big. My last boyfriend was four inches bigger. It's OK, we'll work around it. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? Oh...

A man pulls off the road when he sees his producer friend with a wrecked car off on the side. The car is a total loss, covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Oh," the friend responds, "I hit an agent." "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood. But what about all the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, to catch him, I had to chase him all through the park." Submitted by reader M.B.