Events

I've smoked fatter joints than that. Ahh, it's cute. Who circumcised you? Why don't we just cuddle? You know they have surgery to fix that. It's more fun to look at. Make it dance. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. Can I paint a smiley face on that? It looks like a night crawler. Wow, and your feet are so big. My last boyfriend was four inches bigger. It's OK, we'll work around it. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? Oh...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 m.p.h. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies—two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What...

There was once a medical student specializing in pathology who truly wanted to excel in his studies. Without fail, he would daily visit the school's path lab following his classes to do extra work. One evening he uncovered a cadaver only to notice a cork plugging its rectum. Curious, he removed the cork only to hear, "On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again..." Startled, he replaced the cork. Curiosity soon got the best of him and he,once again, removed the cork. Again, he heard...

Here are some Country & Western hits not likely to make the top 10: "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Till She Chose Somebody Else)"   "Stand by Your Mensch"   "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?"   "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"   "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"   "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"   "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"   "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"   "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"...

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house. "Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work. A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then...

A man pulls off the road when he sees his producer friend with a wrecked car off on the side. The car is a total loss, covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Oh," the friend responds, "I hit an agent." "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood. But what about all the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, to catch him, I had to chase him all through the park." Submitted by reader M.B.

Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks." The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I...

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually join in. One day, Ethel was speeding up the corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice, "have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her...

An elderly couple was driving cross country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the Highway Patrol. As she rolls don the window, the officer says, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, who is hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." Then the patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman...

How many Big 10 students does it take to change a lightbulb? At Michigan it takes two. One to change the bulb and one to explain how they did it every bit as well as any Ivy Leaguer. At Northwestern it takes three. One to change the bulb, and two to phone a friend at Michigan to get instructions. At Michigan State it takes four. One to screw in the bulb, and three to figure out how to get high off the old one. At Ohio State it takes five. One to change it, two to talk about how Woody would have done it...