Events

Three nuns are sitting at lunch one day. The first one says, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" "I poked holes in all of them," she replied. The third nun said, "Oh...

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that you have a yearly income of more than $600,000, yet you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and then replied, "First of all, did your research also show that my mother is dying...

A Jewish boy is going off to college, and his father says to him: "Look, we've never been a religious family, so I'm not expecting you to become suddenly religious. But promise me one thing: You won't marry a shiksa." The boy promises this and assures his father that he won't. Sure enough, his senior year at school he falls in love with a beautiful Irish girl. She loves him too, but he tells her he can't marry her because she's not Jewish. "Don't worry," she says. "I'll convert." After serious study...

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a "super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis." Submitted by reader C.K.

A large green frog hops into a bank, jumps up on the counter and says to the teller, "I want a loan." The teller says, "You'll have to see the loan officer. Her office is down the hall, and the name on the door says 'Patricia Wack.'" So the frog hops off the counter, down the hall and to Mrs. Wack's office. He jumps up on her desk and says, "I want a loan." Mrs. Wack, quite puzzled, gives the standard line, "We must have some collateral to secure the loan." At that the frog pulls out a ceramic lion...

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies....

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" Submitted by reader M.K.

At a small gathering, talk grows serious when a minister asks three men this question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like to hear someone say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would...

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They...

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen water. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly—from the sky—a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos cup of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE...