Events

At a small gathering, talk grows serious when a minister asks three men this question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like to hear someone say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would...

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They...

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen water. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly—from the sky—a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos cup of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE...

Suggest a definition. These definitions come directly from Federal Aviation Regulations parts 1 and 91, unless noted. aircraft - large means aircraft of more than 12,500 pounds maximum certificated takeoff weight. aircraft - small means aircraft of 12,500 pounds or less, maximum certificated takeoff weight. airspeed - calibrated Indicated airspeed of an aircraft, corrected for position and instrument error. Calibrated airspeed is equal to true airspeed in standard atmosphere at sea level. airspeed -...

Note: A true Southerner has responded to this piece. Things you would never hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much he’s had to drink, no matter how far from the South he’s wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening... I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex Duct tape won't fix that Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken We don't keep firearms in this house Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? You can't feed that to the dog I thought...

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup...

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the...

A businessman, who was previously a sailor, knew that ships are always addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To resolve this he set up two groups of computer experts, one of women and one of men. He asked each group to determine whether computers should be referred to in the feminine or the masculine gender. Each gave four reasons for their recommendations. The group of women said computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: In...

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, Father." After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa...

A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. About 5:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," said the woman. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off." The union plumber...